tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5555136190302766593.post4450262753663578684..comments2017-10-15T14:11:49.786+02:00Comments on Of Orcs and Men: Small John IIKai Delmashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14913623803715499069noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5555136190302766593.post-34193591106496829282015-03-31T22:22:29.384+02:002015-03-31T22:22:29.384+02:00Hmm, BQoS, I stand by my assessment that the cliff...Hmm, BQoS, I stand by my assessment that the cliffhanger would have made this chapter, as it is, much stronger. The dark turn you speak of really isn't there (at least I don't see it) and the whole "epiphany" Serah has is akin to a character breaking the fourth wall and going "let me explain to you my inner thoughts so that I can be lazy and tell instead of showing".<br /><br />A darker turn would be welcome, generally speaking, yes, because that would be more interesting, but I feel like there's some darkness going on already in the story. I'm not sure I need the teenagers to have any of that (yet) either. Small John is already burdened with loss and Wendy is very sick. Maybe once the current stuff is resolved... You think all is well for the young lovers (if that comes to pass)... and then... DISASTER STRIKES (insert "dunh dunh dunh" here)!Tomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11749647252820873758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5555136190302766593.post-65480148335228957902015-03-31T19:41:16.834+02:002015-03-31T19:41:16.834+02:00Oh my. So much to respond to and only four and a h...Oh my. So much to respond to and only four and a half hours left of the day. :P<br /><br />You definitely have a much darker side of every character in mind than I did initially. I have some thoughts and plans for character's plotlines to come, but I'm also very open to the idea of mixing it up a little and getting inspired by your ideas.<br /><br />It might be difficult to change stuff, but that's what I did with Small John as well. I noticed that he was lacking the emotional effects of losing everyone he knew, so they came later. The tricky bit is to try and explain why they weren't there in the first place. I think I handled that alright. ;)<br /><br />This is all part of this project however. It's supposed to be a learning experience for me and is still supposed to be entertaining for the readers. Basically this is a first daft of a novel in the making. So it can easily happen that I have an idea, write it down and then decide to go a different way later on. Also the occasional typo, spelling mistake or grammatical error sneak their way in. I will however try to keep an eye out for those intruders in the future. ;)<br /><br />Thanks and welcome back! :DKai Delmashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14913623803715499069noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5555136190302766593.post-86776864276798096392015-03-31T18:23:47.746+02:002015-03-31T18:23:47.746+02:00I'm baaahaaaaack :)
Minion #3 has returned an...I'm baaahaaaaack :)<br /><br />Minion #3 has returned and is very grateful for the princess - thanks boss!<br />Let me start right there actually, since there seems to be a lack of princess experts in your herd of underlings.<br />At first I was a bit disappointed at the apparent cliché of a princess whose name is Wendy(!) and who apparently managed to retain some of her beauty despite being busy dying. Then there is the handsome, kind-hearted yet naïve young fellow who seems to have a bigger problem not flirting with said princess than the death of everyone he ever knew until he suddenly decides that he is sad and thus needs to join the army (excuse my harsh words, I'm exaggerating a bunch for effect here).<br />Then I realized that this is actually perfect!<br />A perfect start that lulls the reader into a (false) sense of security, thinking "Hmph, the boring teens again, when's the next Orc post coming up?" and then getting hit with a much darker, non-sappy side of the princess storyline.<br />I think you should give her a Hulk of sorts, the opposite of that dainty princess character. Maybe a split personality disorder (opportunity to give her more than two personalities) or something like it (bipolar, borderline etc.) it doesn't have to be (shouldn't be?) obviously medical or magical, keep it confusing and unpredictable.<br />I would enjoy a well researched and well-conceived downside to that "silly girl" persona and I think it would make the whole storyline much more believable. She might even be the secret tyrant that controls the castle and king through fear or it might be part of her fatal disease.<br /><br />I also think John needs a stronger motivation either for hanging around or leaving and he definitely needs a reason for being interested in some chick when he should be curled up in some corner, traumatized like hell. He might be the master of suppression or maybe he’s a cold mofo who never cared to begin with and had his own plans all along to get close to the king. Maybe he’s just REALLY naïve and we end up feeling bad for him being such an idiot and enjoy watching him learn and grow (emotionally rather than learning to read).<br /><br />With adding something unforeseen to the storyline you would give yourself an in to expand and explore these two character as well as Serah's and the king's and all their relationships.<br />You could work with Serah here, letting us in on some undefined and curious fear and thoughts. Maybe she's not concerned about John being a lowly peasant, maybe she wants to save him from being murdered/eaten/hexed like the others before him? Or maybe Wendy is Serah's tool to control the king and she's really behind everything and the last thing she needs is Wendy to fall in love and thus stop relying on Serah for basically everything?<br /><br />I disagree with Tom's idea of a cliffhanger though, that would've appeared soap opera-ish to me and would've earned you a "rolls-eyes" from me. The chapter was quite predictable and obvious, so use that to make an even bigger impression when you turn it around.<br /><br />What do you think, Tom?<br /><br />(More comments in the other older posts to follow. I have some catching up to do!)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5555136190302766593.post-13190794480447607572015-03-31T17:40:41.453+02:002015-03-31T17:40:41.453+02:00Well, I had to give you something to critisize, so...Well, I had to give you something to critisize, so I wrote a few extra lines that weren't necessary. :P<br /><br />Actually, I'm glad I made that error. It's good for me to have that cut-off point that you mentioned and reread what wasn't as good afterwards. That really helps me learn how to improve. I remember thinking at some point, "I could end it here." But decided to right a bit more. Maybe next time I will learn to trust my intuition. ;)Kai Delmashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14913623803715499069noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5555136190302766593.post-62334879386730725602015-03-30T20:21:20.861+02:002015-03-30T20:21:20.861+02:00I liked seeing Small John again, but I gotta say, ...I liked seeing Small John again, but I gotta say, for me, the chapter should have ended with this: "A spark came to Serah's eyes. She looked him up and down and began to smile. "You know what? There might be something you could do.""<br /><br />Until then, I think it's really great. Some good emotional portrayal there, some subtlety and some complicated self-searching for a young character. The only thing that would give added value to the chapter up until that part might have been an idea how much time had passed since we last saw Small John. I feel like it's been a while because there have apparently been a ton of visits with the princess, but we don't know.<br /><br />Once you hit that point where Serah has the idea, I feel like you missed out on a great opportunity: A little bit of a cliffhanger. It's not exactly a gigantic leap to know what Serah might have in mind, what with all the things that have been going on, but that brings me to my second point: Once you pass the point where Serah has the idea, the dialogue and the exposition feels uncharacteristically clunky and obvious. And you could have avoided that with the cliffhanger, have Serah's proposition be something Small John thinks about in retrospect. It's a bit of a shame, really, but you're forgiven ;) After all, the larger chunk of the chapter is very well done.Tomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11749647252820873758noreply@blogger.com