tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5555136190302766593.post8844762557961234822..comments2017-10-15T14:11:49.786+02:00Comments on Of Orcs and Men: Zir IIIKai Delmashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14913623803715499069noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5555136190302766593.post-8791223862218857882016-03-29T14:31:03.177+02:002016-03-29T14:31:03.177+02:00Mistakes will be made sooner and later. All you ne...Mistakes will be made sooner and later. All you need is someone to point them out for you so that you can make it better.<br /><br />You might not be the final authority, but your the closest thing I've got at the moment and I'm glad to have your feedback. ;)Kai Delmashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14913623803715499069noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5555136190302766593.post-61469178223656753092016-03-29T14:11:04.161+02:002016-03-29T14:11:04.161+02:00Ah, damn, haha, I'm sorry I basically made you...Ah, damn, haha, I'm sorry I basically made you write something I didn't like! We'll end up finding out how to do this best. Always remember, I might not be the final authority on this kind of stuff ;)Tomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11749647252820873758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5555136190302766593.post-50560926005099910972016-03-29T13:43:42.548+02:002016-03-29T13:43:42.548+02:00Not surprised to hear you say that, but as always ...Not surprised to hear you say that, but as always I'm thankful for the critique.<br /><br />Funny thing is, the large bit you quoted, I added the end bit, because of you, indirectly. I felt like I was writing Zir's thoughts, but also telling the reader what to think. So in the end I wanted to say that it could be the truth, but might just be coincidence. I see though, that wasn't the best way of doing that.<br /><br />The dream, I guess, is a bit too much on the nose. I'm trying to think of ways how I could have given Zir the same information and possibly also giving him a choice. Then it wouldn't have just been "follow this path, it's your only hope", but would have given him several paths to choose from. If for instance, there had been several dim lights flickering in different parts of the world, maybe even in the human settlements.<br /><br />Anyway, thanks as always. Hope to have a new post in a week or so and your critique soon thereafter. ;)Kai Delmashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14913623803715499069noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5555136190302766593.post-37486032696756105542016-03-29T11:57:24.623+02:002016-03-29T11:57:24.623+02:00Hm. Not my favorite, I gotta say. Mystical charact...Hm. Not my favorite, I gotta say. Mystical characters are always an odd bunch, and writing them is a challenge. First of all, this entire section:<br /><br />" Zir sought to be surrounded by life wherever he went, sleeping under a dead tree was not something he relished, but who was he to ignore nature's whims. He wanted a hill, nature delivered. Maybe the tree itself was already a sign of this war and how it will scar the earth.<br /> He could be wrong though. Maybe he was just searching for signs so vigorously that he saw them where there were none. It could just be a hill with a dead tree. It did not matter."<br /><br />You basically invalidate all of what you wrote before yourself. I understand why you did that - it's Zir's internal thought process. And it's fine that he has that, but it does seem a bit redundant to write something, and then write it off, because it serves neither the story nor any kind of conflict (as story is driven by conflict). I get it, Zir is tired and frustrated, so normally, this might have gone differently in his head, but I still don't care for it very much. It's just an iffy kind of text to write, and I feel like your chops are currently stronger in other kinds of text.<br /><br />Then there's the juxtaposition between the dream and the aftermath of the dream. The dream is supposed to be somewhat metaphoric (and it is, albeit a bit heavy-handed - the closer you get to "civilization", the more the once-clear spring turns into some gooey, evil, life-devouring mass), but in the end, it's just too on the nose. A flicker of light in the darkness with a precise direction of where to go, I dunno. Seems a bit too Deus Ex Machina for me.<br /><br />Sorry to rip this apart so much, but like I said, not my cup of tea =(Tomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11749647252820873758noreply@blogger.com